I am a Victim of Family Violence

…..there I’ve said it now the cat’s out of the bag - MEOW. There’s so much Victim Blaming these days that Victim has become a new swear word. You know how it goes ‘Oh you’re always playing the Victim’ or ‘You’ve just got a Victim Mentality’ or my personal favourite, one leveled at me at recent Family Court Hearing ‘You’ve just persuaded a bunch of Simpletons into your view of yourself as a Victim ’ a low for even a litigious Family Court lawyer to sink to.

Hmmnnn let’s look at it. My dictionary says VICTIM noun a person or thing that suffers harm or death. Well heck, that fits then. If we take the example of a typical Domestic Violence charge say MALE (for me a family member) ASSAULT (a violent attack, either physical or verbal) yep that sure happened to me and more than once, FEMALE (looking down I can confidently confirm this is me) then that female is indeed the Victim, it’s simple semantics really. Given that I am someone other than the Perpetrator of said violence, the only role available to me in such exchange is one of ‘victim’.

There is no shame on my part for being so. I’m seriously in to naming things for what they are. I’m seriously not in to ‘Victim Blaming’. We don’t do it with the victims in a Car Crash, we don’t do it with the victims of a Natural Disaster, we know that if you go out to the Cinema and come home to find all your electronic equipment and the family heirlooms missing, then you are the victim of a burglary. There are all kinds of contexts in which being the victim is a role engendering sympathy or empathy; why then are domestic violence victims singled out for exceptional treatment? Why is being named as a domestic violence victim the equivalent in societal terms of being shamed?

I used to work with victims of violence. In Sydney I assisted women in Refuge into priority housing. Back home in Auckland I worked on a Crisisline listening to and supporting primarily women to make the choices that would hopefully create constructive change in their lives and the lives of their children. I’m good at this. That doesn’t mean I can get it right for myself, mostly because sadly I was born into family dysfunction, there’s a {his/her story} of abuse. It’s a little harder to divorce the family you’re born into than it is a partner, especially when there are vulnerable others to consider. And vulnerable others to consider as well as let’s face it our vulnerable self, are all part of the economy of the domestic violence exchange; one where you weigh the quality of your life and your ability to draw breath, against all other considerations. What price you?

My history of working in the ‘Domestic Violence Sector’ meant that when someone suggested I come along to the Women’s Group to strengthen me while I was coping with violent treatment of a relative who I just couldn’t help – they weren’t ready, my reply was ‘Oh No, not me, I couldn’t do that, I work in the business, I know what I’m doing, it just wouldn’t help, I know all this like the back of my hand, better that I just do this stuff one on one with Counselling support’. I couldn’t have been more wrong – incredible really, note to self ‘don’t believe everything I say. I’m occasionally wrong.’ Who knew?

Changing that choice and attending a Women’s Group back in 2000 was the best thing I ever did. It took me away from the pathology of Individualism and counselling as Coping strategy, it introduced me to the true empowerment of other women, other voices, other experiences that though different, echoed my own. It didn’t matter that my (and my relative’s) Abuser was a family member and other women’s were their partners or in one instance an employer; it didn’t matter that for each of us the abuse took a sometimes different form, the dynamics were the same. And Oh the power of being not just ONE but one of many, one in solidarity with my sisters. The people who truly know how it is for you, the people you can laugh and cry with because you share an experience (however adverse); the ones who can finish the sentence you start, because they’ve heard it themselves at home. This is where the power of Group work lay for me, in my no longer being and feeling so alone.

For me NHLWV is a place of Unconditional Acceptance. I can come here and not only be Accepted but also be Respected and even more Appreciated. No-one will blame or shame me or try to reconfigure my experience into their Worldview. I can come here and say “It’s NOT O.K. what’s happening for me right now. I don’t care if this time it’s not a physical assault upon my person, or by only one person; that this time it’s systemic abuse. It’s not O.K. for me and it’s violence just the same.” This is a place where I can be the victim of Violence and still stand in my Strength.

I’d like to say that since the time of attending the Women’s Group magically my life got better and the problem went away; or that I am the all powerful Ms.Fixer and improving me or my coping strategies was enough to take care of the problem. But that’s the thing about family dysfunction, it’s the gift that just keeps on giving. Family Violence doesn’t just go away when only the Victim seeks or gets help. You know the saying ‘It takes two to Tango’ well that means the other Dance partner has to similarly mark their dance card. Once again I have found myself at the mercy of my same old familiar Abuser who has neither mercy or grace. This time his tool of oppression has been a Family Court and sadly that Court finds itself unknowingly his weapon of choice. The consequence being for me that like a child come home, I was again asking in embarrassment for yet another round of support from the workers at NHLWV.

Two years now of torrid Ministry of Justice trauma. In the words of Terry Carson author of ‘Understanding the Family Court’ a South Auckland lawyer practising in the Family Court for some thirty years ‘A Court Case can take over your life for its duration. Sometimes it may (be) better to walk away and start a new life’ {2} However if like me it is not in your nature to give up in the face of bullying behaviours – no matter how powerful the Bully, and charged with the responsibility of caring for someone more vulnerable than yourself, a child or parent for instance, then trust me YOU NEED SUPPORT. I have been blessed to once again find this quality support from the professionals at North Harbour Living Without Violence Collective.

Without the support of this agency were the ceiling of my tiny rental Unit tall enough, were I wealthy enough to own a Chandelier, you’d find me hanging from it. A Family Court Case must be the cruelest form of litigation there is. It’s the place where those you love go to hurt you, usually after having done exactly this at home – or perhaps it’s where you go to hurt them, who knows? For many of you there is no choice, it is where you must go sadly. DO NOT GO IT ALONE, you won’t survive. Anything I can do, anything we can do as victims of family violence to get funding for the kind of support I’ve received from NHLWV, WE MUST DO IT.

Family Violence/Domestic Violence is NOT O.K. BEING A VICTIM IS NOT A CHOICE, changing that status is a choice. You will always be the victim of the crime perpetrated upon you but you will not remain a victim of life. The only way to be empowered for change no matter which position you occupy in the Violence spectrum is to get help and support, no man is an Island and no woman is either. Reach Out, I Did and I couldn’t be more grateful for the hands that reached out to hold my own and lift me up.

KIA KAHA.